When You Were Mine
by ravencrow neversmile
Summary: Ray used to be the one to make Neela smile and he was the shoulder she cried on. When she was his, not that she was ever REALLY his. Reela angst.
1. Loser

**Disclaimer:** Possessions are the root of all evil, give them all away. (I own jack, but I am still evil).

**Author's note: **The day Neela appeared in ER I loved her, and I'm pretty sure Ray wasn't far behind me.

Ray had seen her smile for the first time he could remember since Michael's death, a genuine happy smile. He should be delighted for her but he isn't, She's smiling at Tony Gates.

He is sure that the new intern has merely cracked some hackneyed joke or something but she is smiling at him and it is tearing Ray apart.

Gates really seems like an okay kind of guy but Ray doesn't like him. Ray would love to be able to give a good reason but he knows it's just the fact that Neela scarcely registers Ray's presence while she smiles and laughs with Gates. He is jealous. He misses her smile. He misses everything about her.

He had thought if he just gave her the time and space she needed eventually things would be like they had once before, they could be friends again, he had hoped they could be more but even friends was preferable to the dull ache he feels at her absence.

She says, "Hi ray" sometimes as she passes him, She never stops to talk, and in truth she only says hi if she can't avoid him.

If he needs a surgical consult she keeps it strictly professional.

He told her once he missed her, the uncomfortable silence after his statement had convinced him he would never say it again, no matter how true it was.

"Ray, we've got a 14 year old skateboarder verses oldie in a truck" Sam broke into his all to disheartening thoughts.

He happily took the kid leaving Pratt to pick up the cantankerous old guy who Ray could hear grumbling non stop." Damn kid just come out of nowhere, menaces with their gangs and their skateboards".

"Hey, there I'm Dr Barnett, you got a name kid?" the fourteen year old seemed a little shook up and had a nasty laceration down his leg but otherwise didn't seem too damaged.

"Matt, Matt Halliday. I wasn't in the road stupid old guy mounted the curb, broke my damn board" he sighed. Ray knew the feeling; you got used to people judging you for your image, All skaters were good for nothing punks, All rockers were undependable animals.

"Well the board looks like its toast but I think I can fix you up" He smiled down at matt.

Ray had moved from one patient to another all shift without once having to call for a surgical consult, He wasn't sure if he was relieved or disappointed to have not run into Neela since he'd seen her with Gates.

"Hey Ray you off now?" Pratt called across the ER as he passed.

"Yeah I'm beat, man" He called back slipping his coat on.

"Oh right it don't matter then" He said disappointment evident in his tone; Ray gave him a questioning look. "I just wanted to know if you wanted to grab a drink at Ikes, but it don't matter" He shrugged.

"Okay man, who needs sleep anyway" Ray grinned, mentally adding '_who wants to go back to an empty apartment where every time you try and sleep all you can think about is her'_ He really could do with one or two or several beers to get the image of her perfect smile out of his head.

"Easy for you to say you're not on tomorrow" Luka laughed in Ray's direction as they headed out the door.

There was a time when Ray would relish a day off but lately all they meant was a chance to sleep in and avoid bumping into Neela.

He knew he should have gone when Pratt left, but he didn't relish the thought of going to his now far too spacious apartment, plus a couple more drinks and he might be anaesthetized enough to not care about it anymore.

Two drinks later he didn't have much choice in the matter when Dave the barman firmly but apologetically informed him he was cutting him off.

"Go home Ray, get some sleep" The barman sighed as if he could see right through him, but then everybody knew what was wrong with him didn't they. God and he thought that he had hidden his feelings for her so well. He was such a loser.

"Easier said than done man," He said self-pityingly.

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	2. Learning How to Smile

**Disclaimer: I own nothing.**

**Authors note: I've been a busy little 'wabbit, so this is an unusually quick update for me.**

Neela smiled warmly at Tony, it was getting easier smiling. She had stopped feeling guilt-ridden for every time she wasn't miserable.

Gates was kind and friendly but it was more than that, he didn't look at her with pity every time they spoke. He knew what had happened to Michael but didn't treat her like the poor little war widow everyone else did.

She liked being a real person, liked not being danced around like some porcelain doll that would break if you even contemplated saying the wrong thing to her. Christ, even that bitch Albright had left her alone, no pithy comments or casual put-downs. It was driving her crazy; it made her want to scream like some sort of petulant child.

"I swear the guy had a TV remote stuck right in there, he said he sat on it by accident, hell I get some shitty jobs, no pun intended" Gates grinned foolishly, she couldn't help the amused grin that appeared on her face. It was easy being around Gates, it was the way it had been being friends with Ray before all the complications. At the very thought of her ex roommate her eyes flicked around the ER to search him out. He was talking to a kid that had just been brought in, using that bedside manner that comes so easily to him.

He had a way with people that she had always envied, that free and easy connection that made him automatically likeable. She felt Tony shuffle uneasily on his feet and realised she had been silently watching Ray disappear from view, leaving an awkward silence between her and Gates. _Had he just said something? _

"Sorry Tony I was miles away" She smiled weakly hoping she didn't seem to spaced out.

"I asked if you wanted to go to dinner tonight" He said eagerly, expectantly looking at her.

"Tony, I " What could she say? .She was a terrible liar.

"As friends" He added again quickly as if sensing her refusal before it even reached her lips. Did she want Tony as a friend? He made no secret of the fact he liked her and she wasn't sure she needed that sort of complication right now. She was also pretty sure she couldn't be what he wanted her to be.

"Come on Neela just dinner, you still gotta eat don't ya?" He smiled suddenly unsure of himself, something unusual for Gates.

"Okay, dinner" She conceded.

Dinner had been going well, it was nice, easy.

A tiny moment of forgetting herself, of being Neela Rasgotra without all the baggage that came with her. Without the labels others had given her. She wasn't the war widow or the adulterer (she wasn't stupid she'd heard the rumors that had circulated the ER, even if they weren't true they were close enough to the truth).

She was here without her bags; chatting happily with seemingly the only person she knew who was just content to be chatting to her, to Neela the person not the thing he considered her to be.

They talked about England, movies, sports and music, nothing significant, frivolous things that reminded her she could relax and be herself.

It was nice. Nice was good, nice was normal.

When he dropped her at her door (Abby's door) there was the first tiny hint of awkwardness. The moment where his chaste kiss on the cheek sent her tumbling into over analysis of the night's events and apprehension that despite his words earlier in the day that he wanted something more of her even if he didn't expect it yet.

She could hear the phone ringing in the apartment and was pleased for the interruption.

"I better get that, see ya at work" she hurried the words into one lightning quick phrase and escaped into the relative security behind the door.

She never made the phone and they didn't leave a message. It couldn't have been important.

**Let me know if you love it/hate it/don't give a rat's ass.**

 **Raven**


	3. Boy don't cry

**Disclaimer: I am lowly scum in the grand scheme of things.**

**Authors note: As always thanks to fabulous people who make me smile with shiny, pretty reviews. I am trying to keep up with what is a pretty good work rate for me. I have the house to myself; for once the TV is not on in the background.**

He managed to stumble in the door raucously and hoped in vain that she would come out and scold him for rousing her.

He wasn't inebriated enough to forget that she had moved out long ago.

Hell if she was still here he wouldn't be drunk, he'd be at her side nestled down on the couch with Chinese food and beer watching some second rate horror movie, pretending he wasn't hopelessly in love with her.

He'd never really seen it coming. I mean why would he? He was Ray Barnett he didn't do love. He wasn't that guy. Sure he knew he was attracted to her but he wasn't blind and she was beautiful. Unfortunately he had taken the time to get to know her, something he couldn't truthfully say he had done with any of his "dates". He often wished he hadn't, the pain of loss a persistent ache in his chest, reminding him that he couldn't ever be complete without her, that she was the one, his one. Damn her. He would hate her for that if he could only summon up the strength of will.

He picked up the phone, too much alcohol making him suddenly courageous and assertive. He dialed the all to recognizable number that had entrenched itself into his memory from the many times he'd tried to tell her.

After the fifth ring the machine kicked in and he felt the relief and anxiety hit him simultaneously, He listened to her voice.

"Hi, This is Neela, I'm unable to take your call at this time. Please leave a message after the tone" Cool British voice both warm and distant at the same time. He longed for more but knew this was as good as it would get for him.

Frustration suddenly coursing though him, He shouldn't be hurting like this; it shouldn't be this hard to love someone.

The phone cascaded to the floor in a splash of shattered plastic before he realized his rage had put it there, smashing it against the wall in fury.

He kicked out mindlessly connecting with something solid and relishing the crash it made as it fell in the darkness of the room.

Then with the anger gone all that was left was his despair, weeping like a child he slid to the ground, head in hands crying long over due tears of desolation.

His soul as ruined as the phone.


	4. So cold

**Disclaimer: Haven't got it, never had it.**

**Author's note: Really big thanks for the reviews, reviewers' rock. This is sort of filler. A little bit of tension but not much else.**

Neela was actually feeling pretty good. After expecting some discomfort around Tony for ending the night so abruptly, She found him jovial and more than happy to see her as she was called down to the ER for a surgical consult.

"Hey mayday" He grinned from ear to ear. She had hoped that the nickname would have been old by now, but it still amused him and she found herself stuck with it.

"What we got?" She asked taking a chart from him. She pushed through the doors stopping as she bumped into something solid. She looked up into the startled face of Ray Barnett. She couldn't help the brief connection of their eyes, two people who had once known each other so well. She dropped her gaze back to the chart quickly finding herself shamed by the look in his eyes, the cold distance she had put there with her continued disregard for his existence. His eyes no longer held the friendly warmth they had always greeted her with in the past. She had hurt him too much and she knew because of her fear of her own feelings she had lost the best friendship she would ever have. He looked drained and she found her mind wondering to if he had resumed to his party animal ways, if some insistent bimbo warming his bed had exhausted him.

She blocked out the thought, psychologically slapping herself for even thinking it.

"We don't need you Neela, she's stable now, we are now sending her up to the OR for you guys to finish up." Ray declared flatly leaving her gaping at his now withdrawing back.

"I put in a drain to take the pressure off her heart, She's stable enough to move," He added over his shoulder as He left both her and Tony staring after him.

She was hurt at his complete dismissal of her, but she knew it was long overdue, she had done everything she could think of to push him away and it seemed she had accomplished it. She didn't feel the long expected liberation at the distance she had placed between them, she felt empty, hollow in her chest. Disappointed that she had gotten her way and finally killed his every thought that they could be friends again.

Her gaze flicked up to Tony, stunned to find him staring after Ray with a look of pure venom. She thought maybe he was concerned for Ray's indifference towards her.

"Arrogant prick" He muttered coldly eyes still fixed hard on the place where Ray had disappeared from view.

"Ray's a good doctor, he was probably just trying to save some time," She said a hand moving to his arm as a pacifying measure.

He shifted under her hand his stance easing even if his vicious gaze hadn't.

"It just makes me angry the way He treats you" He said covering her hand with his own.

She knew he wasn't just talking about just now; he was talking about the whisper of dozens of incorrect rumors and half-truths that had been distorted by gossips with too much time and too little sense.

"Whatever you've heard is untrue, Ray was never anything but a good friend" she sighed heavily. _A good friend that she had managed to push away because she was too weak to accept his friendship._

He looked embarrassed by either her statement or his own she was too exhausted to work out which it was. She left him there without another word.

The rest of the shift was no better, Her perceived fragility had her being given routine uncomplicated procedures that proved no challenge and gave little or no sense of achievement.

Albright maintain the sickly false politeness that had become the norm since Michael's death, Dubenko was full of quiet concern.

She felt suffocated and when her shift finished she felt relieved that she could finally go home and hide. She would sink into a deep bathtub full of hot water and then order takeout for one. Perched squarely in front of the TV until she was too tired to think about anything.


	5. Black and blue

**Disclaimer: Never had it, never will.**

**Author's note: Thank you for the encouraging reviews. Please excuse any mistake with the medical stuff.**

Ray's day had been getting worse by the hour; His day off hadn't helped him to unwind any. He had spent the rest of it (he'd woken well past midday with a pounding hangover) shopping for a new phone, after tidying up what was left of the previous one.

It had being getting gradually worse after having to not only work with Gates on several occasions already but then he had caught the tail end of Gates conversation with one of the EMT's about his date with Neela.

He hoped He had managed to look indifferent as his heart plunged into his stomach, He couldn't believe that Neela would be dating Gates so soon after Michael's death. It made him furious at both Neela for even considering seeing anybody right now, and Gates for preying on her when she was so venerable. He managed to grab a quick coffee break to calm him down, the cold fury settling in his gut needing to be quashed before he released it onto the annoying intern the next time her name dared to cross his lips.

"Barnett, we got a MVA, 29 year old female, no other casualties, Chest and head injuries, ETA 3 minutes" Abby yelled at him from where she had flung open the door, before disappearing again to meet the said trauma. He dropped his half finished coffee in the sink and followed quickly behind her.

There was that usual brief moment of silence when they arrived in the ambulance bay, Anticipating the incoming trauma but waiting impatiently for it. It was reminiscent of the calm before the storm, you knew it was coming but it wasn't there yet.

"How you doing Ray?" She asked concerning lacing her voice. He didn't answer straight away, briefly considered letting out all the hurt that he held inside in a flood of confusion and pain, but that wasn't fair on Abby. She was a good friend to both Neela and himself and it wasn't right to put her in-between the awkward chasm that had opened between the former roomies.

"Yeah, just a little tired" He sighed heavily.

"You look like crap" She smiled casually.

"Thanks" he grinned; Abby had a great gift for endearing herself with people. "You getting much sleep?" He enquired feeling more at ease with the familiar banter.

"Not enough, Joseph's pretty good but I find myself checking him all the time to make sure he's okay" She laughed tightly, Despite Abby's strong capable nature Ray knew that she was concerned that she wasn't going to be a good mother.

"He's a lucky boy, having such good parents" He meant it, in his time at county a lot of the staff at county had become his surrogate family.

The Ambulance pulled in and suddenly the storm was on them, Stats flying towards them as they wheeled their patient into the ER constantly working to keep them alive.

Abby had to move to another patient leaving Ray with Gates to assist him, It didn't matter now how he felt about him, they had somebody to save and they had to work to save the woman in their care.

"She's Bradying down, unresponsive" Ray called out concerned that her heart rate was dropping rapidly.

"Push atropine" He called out wondering how bad the impact to her chest had been. There was severe bruising to the chest already where she must have made contact against the steering wheel.

Gates had moved to make a call to surgical, but Ray wasn't ready for that yet.

"Sam, She'll never make it to surgery if we don't get her heart rate up, She's got a Cardiac tamponade, I need to do a Pericardiocentisis " Ray said it with certainty, taking the syringe that Sam had already gotten for him. Wasting no time in stabbing it through her breast plate and draining the fluid from her pericardial cavity.

"Don't worry about the consult Gates we'll send her straight to the OR tell them we'll be on our way as soon as she's stable."

Ray called over his shoulder, finding him conspicuously absent.

He looked at Sam who looked equally surprised that he had disappeared whilst they were working on the trauma.

"Damn it" He muttered under his breath.

His patient out of the worst of it, he worked on cleaning up the mainly superficial head wounds.

"Clean and suture these, I'll be back in a sec" He headed to the door looking to find Gates. He didn't get far. He strolled back in with Neela, She banged into him clumsily her attention too focused on Gates.

She met this gaze briefly before her eyes shot back down to the chart in her hands.

"We don't need you Neela, she's stable now, we are now sending her up to the OR for you guys to finish up." He dismissed flatly, he had to get out of here, he moved past her quickly heading for the door.

"I put in a drain to take the pressure off her heart, She's stable enough to move," He added trying to keep his voice even. His brief glance taking in their closeness as they watch him leave.

He retreated back to the doctor's lounge trying to put some distance between him and them. He felt sick at the thought of Gates being so close to her.

The door slammed open heavily and Ray's startled glance met a very angry looking Gates as he slammed it closed behind him.

"What the hell was that Barnett?" His voice raised and Ray was well aware that it would be heard outside.

"We had to stabilize the patient, we didn't have time for a surgical consult" Ray wasn't sure what Gates problem was.

"You're pathetic Barnett, you pine over Neela. You need to work out she's not interested and move on, instead of trying to make me look stupid in front of her" He spat angrily. So that was what this was about.

"Firstly Gates" He stated his name like an insult. " I was doing what was necessary to save that woman's life, and secondly I really don't have to try and make you look dumb" He smiled sweetly and strolled out passed gates. He knew this wasn't over but he really didn't need it right now.

He only had forty minutes of his shift left and he could keep away Gates till then.

**So what do you think?**


	6. Friend of a friend

**Disclaimer: Okay I do own it, I stole it yesterday and the police have a pretty good description of me. They are looking for a big fat liar with flaming pants.**

**Author's Note: I am really happy with the responses I have got so far for this story, they spur me on to try update quickly. So thank you all.**

"Hey Neela, you want go grab something to eat?" Abby called to her as she tried to catch her up. Neela stopped and turned, she and Abby didn't get to spend much time together at the moment.

"Sure" She smiled warmly, she needed a friend with the day she was having.

They strolled out and across the road to grab burgers. After they'd chatted inanely over their food Abby looked her square in the eye and asked solemnly. "So what's going on between you and Gates?"

"Nothing he's just a friend" Neela protested defensively.

"Does he know that?" Abby questioned one eyebrow rose expectantly.

"Yes of course he does, he's just a friend he knows that" She was starting to get annoyed "can we just drop it and talk about something else?" She asked sullenly pushing her forgotten fries around her plate.

"Okay so that was a pretty good spot by Ray on that tamponade, I mean what are the odds of that anyway" She watched her reactions cautiously, both knew bringing up Ray could kill a conversation dead.

"Cardiac tamponade occurs in less than two percent of all patients with chest trauma, it's a lot less than that in blunt trauma cases." She pulled the vague statistic from deep within her textbook type brain. "It was a good call" Neela shrugged she couldn't help notice that Tony was always Gates when Abby talked about him whereas Ray was only ever Barnett when they were busy in the ER.

Abby had changed the subject almost as if she hadn't mentioned Ray at all, they soon fell into the easy banter they often shared when they hadn't had so many life altering things to deal with and for that Neela found herself undeniably grateful.

It wasn't until they went back in through the ambulance bay that Abby brought Ray up again.

"You know Ray's still your friend too don't you" She said a brief comforting hand on Neela's shoulder before she disappeared leaving Neela stood dumbstruck staring after her. Why did she have too be so right all the time. The warm feeling that their friendly chatter had given her had evaporated leaving her feeling like a complete bitch for the way she had pushed Ray away. She knew she had pushed him too far because he had gone beyond giving her space and gone for full blown cold indifference.

She willed the tears back from the corners of her eyes and strolled back inside. she had no right for self-pity, the distance she had put between them was her fault and she had no right to grieve for the friendship she had thrown away.

**Okay, it's short but I wanted to update again quickly so I am sure you can forgive me.**

 **Raven**


	7. Warning Sign

**Disclaimer: It ain't mine and you know it.**

**Author's note: Sorry for the delay. real life getting in the way a bit.**

It had been over a week since his run in with Gates and things hadn't really settled down, if anything they were on the brink of exploding into violence. Gates was simply snappy and critical of Ray's every move; Ray in turn had found he was coiled tightly and bitingly sarcastic whenever Gates would start. So this morning when he had heard Gates bragging that he had "another hot date with mayday" Ray found himself not holding back with the personal insults.

Halfway through the shift they had managed to be teamed together working on a frustratingly difficult case and tensions were running high.

Ray had walked away, he had been the bigger man, but Gates just wouldn't leave it. He followed Ray out into the quiet of the night, where Ray had gone to calm down.

"Hey Barnett, Don't turn your back on me, I was talking to you" Gates shouted after him angrily grabbing his arm just above the elbow.

Ray turned on his heal and Gates almost banged into him.

"Gates just leave it" Ray felt the rage deep inside, trying to push it down until he could let it out healthily. He glanced down angrily at the hand still on his arm. Gates removed it.

"We both know this is about Neela, you need to get over it and move on, She's with me now so shut your mouth and stay out of my face" Gates was so close Ray felt moisture from his angry rant land on his cheek. He wiped it away emphatically, looking at his hand in disgust.

"Neela's my friend" _'well she used to be _he added mentally "And she deserves better than some jerk that moves on her as soon as her husbands cold in the ground" Ray stared Gates down. He wasn't going to take this crap from a slimy ass like him.

"Hey at least I waited that long" He mocked not backing down an inch.

Rays anger soared and his control left him, he'd hurt his fist on gates face before he had time to think it through. Something about the blatant burst of fury felt freeing. How dare he say anything that implied Neela would do that?

"I don't care what you think or what you have heard Neela was never unfaithful to Michael," He warned standing over him as he pressed gingerly at the cheek Ray had caught so expertly.

Gates picked himself up his eyes glittering menacingly.

"And that's tears you up don't it?" He mocked spitting blood onto the concrete in front of Ray's feet.

He considered hitting him again when he heard Luka's disapproving voice from behind them.

"You two get your asses over here we got two GSW's coming in" He must have noticed the tension and Gates cut and rapidly bruising face, but he chose to ignore it for now. Ray knew that they would both hear about it later, but Luka forever the professional would wait until their incoming patients were taken care of.


	8. Done Wrong

**Disclaimer: Nada, nothing, zip.**

**Author's note: Big thanks to everyone who has reviewed, especially moonlitclarity, princess-dreamer, dshortklutz and criss128 for their near instant reviews for the last chapter.**

Neela had been down in the ER to see Abby when Tony, Luka and Ray rushed through with two gunshot victims.

"Anything I can do to help" She inquired towards Luka.

He glanced quickly between Ray and Tony, She noticed now that Tony's face was slightly swollen and his lip split.

"Sure help Ray out, Tony you're with me" Luka stated his attention swiftly back to the young man on the gurney.

Tony shot a heated glare in Ray's direction and looked like he was about to argue with Luka before they rushed into Trauma 1.

Neela pushed her curiosity down and concentrated on the teenage girl that was bleeding out, she listened to stats flow smoothly from Ray everything but the wellbeing of his patient forgotten.

They'd worked hard, Ray had worked hard and she could she the pain in his eyes, as he had to call it.

It never got easier losing a patient, maybe if it did then that's when you have to question your humanity.

"I'm sorry Ray " She was, if she knew how to take away his hurt she would and she knew she wasn't only thinking of the patient he had just lost.

She saw his hurt compounded as he looked down to where she had laid a consoling hand on his forearm. She removed it hastily, suddenly all too aware of the quiet in the usually hectic space. She felt suddenly self conscious and awkward.

She watched Luka and Tony through the glass as they still fought to save their own patient. Reflexively she asked, "What happened to Tony's face?" immediately regretting it as she felt tension solidify around him.

"He's your friend you should ask him," He said flatly leaving her to watch his ever-familiar retreating back.

She had pushed such a wedge between them that she had no idea how to start repairing the damage maybe it was too late.

She had stuck around to talk to Tony only for him to be hastily dragged off to the doctors lounge, she saw Luka call to Ray as they went. She watched from a distance as they all disappeared from sight before seeking out Abby.

"What was that about?" She questioned trying to sound casual.

"I have no idea, Heard Luka say something about acting like children but that's all I caught" Abby smiled deviously, it was clear she wanted to know too and although both had probably already realised that Ray and Tony must have been arguing it was unclear what it had been about, Neela had briefly considered she may have been the cause of it, then instantly dismissed it as egotistical and besides Ray no longer even cared what she did.

Ray left the room first his gaze briefly meeting hers then his eyes dropping away, He didn't speak as he strolled passed them and into the locker room. Abby smiled deviously and followed him in. Neela stayed to wait for Luka and Gates to come out; when they still hadn't exited she let her curiosity win and headed for the door in the pretence of looking for Tony. Her hand was on the door handle as she heard Luka say "he's suspended for two weeks without pay that is adequate as far as I am concerned, you can file an assault charge if you want but you might want to remember how rumours spread around here. I'm sure you wouldn't want to upset Neela".

Neela let go of the handle backing up quickly she had heard enough, or maybe too much and had that been a veiled threat from Luka to deter Tony from any further action.

She caught a glimpse of Ray leaving and stared shocked at Abby. She knew that Ray had been suspended and she suddenly felt fearful that he might not be back.


	9. A Place For My Head

**Disclaimer: Okay you know the drill, droll/amusing reason why it doesn't belong to me.**

**Author's note: Okay just to clear it up, Ray is only suspended, it's just Neela worried that he might leave cos he's not happy at county anymore. Soz if that weren't clear. **

Ray threw his bag in the general direction of the couch. He had felt relieved that Luka had only suspended him to start with but on the el trip home he had found his temper rising in him. It was Gates fault; he had earned that punch in the face, the asshole.

He really wanted to just get drunk and spend his two-week suspension partying, but partying on your own isn't really partying is it?

Abby had been unsurprised that he had finally lost it with Gates, saying, "It was only a matter of time" She'd shrugged nonchalantly as if she'd seen it coming. Hell she probably had.

She'd told him to use his time off to sort his head out and decide what he was going to do about the "whole Neela situation". He had reminded her that since Neela didn't want to speak to him or be his friend anymore there was really nothing that he could do about that situation. She had been weird when he'd said that and told him that he really should try to talk to her again.

He had to get his head straight though that much was obvious, he couldn't spend the rest of his working life at county arguing with Gates and he was pretty difficult to ignore when he spent most of his time reminding Ray that Neela was with him.

Impulse pushed him to pick up the phone; he could spend some time away from here to work a few things out.

"Hey Ray, it's been too long "Brett's voice was bright, genuine and it reminded Ray that he did still have friends that missed him even if they were the other side of the country.

"Hey man, yeah I'm sorry about that I've been really busy" He lied cheerily, he had been hurt by the bands decision to drop him and this was only his second or third call since then.

"How are tricks?" He asked realising straight away that it was a phrase he had gleaned from Neela at some point in their former friendship.

"Yeah pretty good" It was non-committal and Ray knew that meant they weren't as good as Brett would want.

"How's everybody there?" Brett asked cautiously despite not talking for a while Brett knew Neela had gone.

"Same as always" He didn't want to go into it now over the phone.

"So what's up Ray?" He had known Brett too long and knew he could tell that there was something wrong.

"I got some time off I was wondering if it would be all right to visit" He didn't need to go into detail now. He was sure he would spill everything when he got there and they went for the obligatory night of hard drinking.

"Hell yeah it'll be great man, how long can you come for?" Brett's sudden excitement made Ray smile; it felt good to be missed, to be wanted.

"A week, maybe a little longer" He answered happy that Brett was happy to hear from him.

"Sure when you coming?"

"As soon as I can" He couldn't stand sitting here in his own despair, he'd book the first flight out he could get.

They talked for almost an hour after that, it started off with the small incidental stuff, then moved onto more touchy subjects, Brett asked after Neela and Ray was typically noncommittal. He told Ray that they hadn't gotten a recording contract yet but they were gigging and they were becoming quite popular. He let it slip that Ray's replacement was not the comfortable fit they had anticipated.

When the call finally finished Ray wasted no time booking a flight and packing some stuff. The earliest flight he could get wasn't until the next morning but he figured by the time he got something to eat and had a nice long shower he could get an early night and some much needed rest.

**Just a short one to make up for my recent tardiness.**


	10. Just The Way I'm Feeling

**Disclaimer: I own jack**

**Author's note: Okay I'm fully caffeinated and on a roll. Thanks for shiny reviews love 'em.**

Neela had been too busy to try and find out what Abby knew so when both of their shifts finished she grabbed hold of Abby's arm and leaned in conspiratorially. Abby rolled her eyes but obliged letting Neela lead her into the Ikes.

"Okay spill, what did he say?" She asked without bothering to specify exactly whom they were discussing, it was obvious who she was talking about.

"He's been suspended for two weeks" Abby confirmed ordering herself a coffee, while Neela opted for an orange juice, She really wanted something stronger but she always felt awkward drinking around Abby. It seemed somehow insensitive.

"And?" She pushed expectantly, she already knew that much.

"And " Abby shifted uncomfortably like she knew something she didn't want to tell her. "And Gates kinda deserved it" She averted her gaze from Neela awkwardly.

Neela knew that her friend didn't really like Tony but tolerated him for Neela's sake.

"Why what did he do?" Neela was confused she knew that Ray and Tony had a few differences of opinion but that happened all the time. It was hardly reason enough to punch someone no matter how much they annoyed you.

"Gates said something that Ray found offensive," Abby answered as if it cleared everything up.

"Like what?" Neela found herself confused Ray was fairly hard to offend, he was used to people's opinions of him being jaded by his rocker look.

"He implied…Gates implied that you and Ray had…Well that you had been unfaithful to Michael and that Ray was jealous that you were with Gates now" Abby looked at her awaiting some sort of reaction.

She was speechless. Ray had been defending her honour and had gotten himself suspended for his trouble.

More to the point he had been defending her to Tony, her so called friend Tony, who had told Ray that Neela and he were together. God she was naïve, she had thought that Tony and her could just be friends. Thought that he knew that was all she wanted.

"Ray got suspended because of me" It was a squeak, pathetic. Why was Ray defending her they weren't friends anymore, they didn't even talk.

No, she corrected herself, he had never stopped being her friend, he had tried to talk to her, tried to be there through her grief over Michael and she had given him the cold shoulder. Pushing him away because of her inappropriate feelings for him and the fact that she wasn't mature enough to handle them.

He had always been her friend.

"I've really screwed up haven't I" She asked Abby sullenly.

"I don't know, I think maybe you should talk to someone else about this" Abby said honestly. They both knew who the someone else was and Neela knew that her and Ray were long overdue a chat.

"It's hard you know" She knew Abby could see right through her.

"It doesn't have to be" Abby sighed sympathetically.

"I...When I moved out…I was never unfaithful to Michael you know that right" She felt tears burning in the corners of her eyes, despite how close her and Abby were she had never said this to anyone and she was worried how it would sound. "I moved out because I was thinking about Ray…differently, about being with Ray" She looked up watching intently for any sort of judgement from her friend before continuing. " I loved Michael, I really did Abby but I started to feel things for Ray that I shouldn't have, then when Michael died I just couldn't face Ray, whenever I saw him it was a reminder of how I had betrayed Michael, even though nothing happened, I…I wanted it too and now I've lost Ray's friendship" The words came out in a rushed bundle. This was the first time she had ever told anyone what had happened. She felt the tears flowing freely down her cheeks

Abby put an arm around her shoulder.

"He just needs to know that you still want to be his friend, he wouldn't have defended you to Tony if he didn't still care " She reasoned igniting a tiny spark of hope in Neela.


	11. 4 the tears in your eyes

**Disclaimer: I own jack.**

**Author's note: Okay I am feeling a little bit down so I thought I'd get all angsty and try and make you cry, Soz.**

Ray was checking he had everything he needed when he heard a gentle knock on the door. He unlocked it and was stunned to find Neela standing nervously in the hallway.

"er, hi Ray" she stammered not quite meeting his stunned gawp.

"Neela" Was about all he could manage. If she had come to bitch at him for hitting Gates he didn't have time for it.

"Can I come in?" she enquired glimpsing over his shoulder.

"Oh yeah sure, I don't have long though, I've got a flight to catch" He moved out of her way, scrutinising his watch to convey the point.

"Oh" she eyed his full duffel sat on the couch. She shifted uncomfortably.

"I wanted to talk to you" It was quiet and for a moment he wasn't sure if she'd spoken or he'd just thought she'd said it.

"About Gates?" He felt his resentment rise, she'd come here to defend him, to scream at Ray for punching him.

"Amongst other things" she confirmed. "Gates told you we were together?" He wasn't sure if she was telling him or asking him. Then he was struck by something. She'd called him Gates not Tony.

"Yeah I kinda got that part, that's not why I hit him" Ray was all set to worm his way out of it tell her it was a work thing that Tony and him had an argument about a paient.

" Yeah well we're not, and after hearing what he said I'm not sure we'll even be friends" Ray glanced at her, shocked that she knew until it registered.

"Abby told you" He exclaimed. He'd asked her not to, he didn't want to upset Neela by letting her know her new boyfriend was a jerk. He should have figured Abby would tell her though, Abby's dislike of Gates was not quite as blatant as his own but Ray could see it everytime they were forced to interact.

"She did but that's not the only reason I'm here, Ray I'm sorry for…well everything. You were just trying to be a good friend and I pushed you away" She looked down at her feet suddenly finding them very fascinating. He could hear a slight waver in her voice.

He held back the urge to comfort her, his feelings for her had pushed her away once and she was presenting him with another chance to be friends.

"Neela, I'm sorry too…" He wanted to give in, to just tell her he needed her and that he'd missed her so much. "…I really am, but it hurt when you…when you cut me out of your life".

Her tear filled eyes met his overflowing with fear and pain.

"I need to get out of here for a while….to think, you know" He felt cold and hard and stupid. For months he had pined her loss, seeing her everyday had torn him apart. Shredded his insides from the heartache he felt and he was going to go, going to leave her crying reaching out for him to comfort her.

Tears fell freely down her smooth perfect face. He wanted to brush them away, to tell her it was okay that she had hurt him and that he would always be there for her, but he couldn't. He needed to think, to work out what the hell he was going to do.

He longed for her friendship, but what would happen when she met someone new, when she fell in love again and it wasn't with him.

He needed her so much but he couldn't handle losing her again, maybe he should make a clean break while he still could.

He had to be strong.

"I have to go, or I'll miss my flight" He said looking away hoping she couldn't hear the conflicting emotion in his voice.

His eyes burned, he couldn't look at her for fear of giving himself away with his own barely repressed tears.

"I'll call you when I get back" He said flatly leaving her stood in the apartment they had once shared.

He had to leave now or he never would.


	12. Asking Too Much

**Disclaimer: If it were mine you'd know about it.**

**Author's note: Thanks again to princess-dreamer, moonlitclarity, dshortklutz and bealicious for the reviews and rest assured that it's not the end yet, as if Ray could just leave that easily. Patience is a virtue and you will all be rewarded for yours…**

…**Eventually, lol.**

"She did but that's not the only reason I'm here, Ray I'm sorry for…well everything. You were just trying to be a good friend and I pushed you away" She tried unsuccessful to sound strong to not let her rampaging emotions and shame at her behaviour flood her breaking voice.

"Neela, I'm sorry too…" His voice wavered slightly filled with regret.

"…I really am, but it hurt when you…when you cut me out of your life". His eyes met hers briefly and she could see all the pain she had put there. He looked away again.

"I need to get out of here for a while…. to think, you know" His words crushed her already fragile hold on her emotions, he was leaving her, She had damaged their precious and fragile chances at being friends beyond repair.

She no longer even tried to rein in the freefall of tears that slipped from her unchecked, the pain comforting in its own way, she deserved this punishment.

"I have to go, or I'll miss my flight" He told her looking towards the door eager to make his exit from her, she should have expected as much. After everything she had done and all the misery she had caused him at cutting him out of her life, she was wrong to expect him to just jump at the chance to be her friend again, to be hurt again.

His words from that night on the roadside echoed through her.

"You're the best friend I've ever had" She had loved and loathed those words at the same time.

She had been important to him, unique in the fact that he could treasure her as his best friend but equally special in that he could spend so much time with her and not feel the searing need she felt for him.

The want that had made her feel that she was betraying Michael yet still unable to push aside

She had reasoned with herself, told her psyche it was normal, Michael had been gone a while and she was just a normal woman focusing her needs on the nearest male, it was only because he was the closest available male, that she spent so much time with him it was bound to seem that she needed him.

When Michael came back it would be different, she had said to herself, she would be happy and sated and able to return to the friendship that had come so easy to her and Ray alike.

Except Michael had never come back and she knew it wasn't just about the need in her.

She knew she had been in love with Ray, was in love with him and no amount of denial or guilt filled tears could change that.

If it had really just been physical then she could have easily have given in to Tony's obvious attraction to her. Except she had never wanted Gates, he had been nice to her and made her feel less ashamed of letting Michael go to Iraq thinking she still resented him for his choices, but she didn't feel the same overwhelming need for him that Ray had so easily provoked in her.

She still couldn't stem the flow of her tears as they cascaded down her cheeks. She wanted to ask where he was going and for how long but she feared the answer.

"I'll call you when I get back" He said flatly and she felt sudden relief flood over her, he was going to come back.

Her relief was short lived when he didn't look at her again before leaving her in the eerily quiet apartment that had been home to her for so long.

She broke down the second she closed herself inside the apartment that wasn't hers, the place where she had once been so happy now cold and empty.

She slid to the floor and let all of her sorrow rip free, bawling uncontrollably like she hadn't done since Michael's sudden desertion of her.


	13. Drown You Out

**Disclaimer: Yeah I wish**.

**Author's Note: Big thanks to criss128, princess-dreamer, moonlitclarity, beaglicious and dshortklutz for the wonderful reviews. Figured you deserved an update.**

Ray endured the worst flight he had ever been on, it wasn't the poor service or the cramped legroom or even the small child that insisted on rhythmically kicking the back of his chair; It was his inability to get the way she had looked out of his head, the complete desolation that he had put behind those beautiful brown eyes.

She had come to him finally ready to repair their ruptured friendship and he had been unable to let her in. He didn't want to hurt her but he really didn't know if he could live with just being friends.

He was in love with her and he hated it. It made him feel weak and foolish.

If he didn't love her so much he could be the friend she so badly wanted, be exactly what she needed.

He knew she didn't let people in easily, in all the time he had known her she had only ever really let Abby or himself in. He knew that even Michael had struggled to get in her head, to understand her.

She was so closed off, so hard to read, but she had trusted Ray. He had worn away her tightly held defences, gotten to know her, the real Neela. The brave but scared woman who was so warm and loyal beneath the cool and distant shell she constructed to protect herself.

He blamed her entirely; if she hadn't let him in he wouldn't be feeling like this. He would be enjoying the carefree existence, a different woman for every night of the week. Beautiful faces and bodies that he wouldn't mentally compare to her and find lacking.

Most of all he blamed her for the fact that no matter how much he wanted to hate her he couldn't.

Brett met him at the airport with a huge grin and a hearty hug.

"Hey man, it's so good to see you" he enthused genuinely.

"You too man" and he meant it, after all the resentment he had felt after being dropped he was still glad to see a friendly face.

"Rough flight? " Brett asked he could sense the tension in Ray instantly.

"Yeah" Ray sighed heaving his bag over his shoulder.

"Well come on then, you can take a shower and crash" Brett grabbed his bag off him before he could argue and led the way out into glorious Californian sunshine.

The drive was fairly quiet but easy, the silences that interspersed the fragmented catching up felt natural and not at all uncomfortable.

Ray was thankful that despite Brett's acute ability to read him, he hadn't yet mentioned the reason they both knew he was here.

After his shower he still felt the tension of the flight and his hyperactive brain weighing heavy on him, even the crippling fatigue he felt could not stifle it.

"You want to go get a beer? "He asked Brett all prepared to drown his brain and stop its incessant thinking.

"Sure" It was how dozens of drunken nights had started before and Ray hoped tonight was no exception. If he was going to get any rest he had to dull the chatter of his thoughts.

They stumbled into Brett's apartment at around three, they were both trashed and singing the same old songs they had always sung when they were drunk.

The familiarity made it so easy to forget the past and just be two great friends singing too loud and stumbling about in the dark.

"Hey you know what you should do? " Brett laughed falling into the couch heavily.

"Sleep for a week? " Ray suggested at least fifty percent serious. He felt at least two days were needed to rid him of his bone deep exhaustion.

"No man, you should stay here, like for good, move in" Brett slurred closing his eyes.

By the time Rays slow reacting brain thought of an answer Brett was snoring loudly.

"Maybe" He told the sleeping drunk before heading to his long awaited bed.


	14. In your room

**Disclaimer: I own jack.**

She woke cold and stiff on the familiar couch in the now unfamiliar apartment.

Lifting her head brought a sudden rush of nausea and sent her rushing to the bathroom to throw up.

After remorsefully emptying the contents of her stomach she splashed her face with cold water and rinsed out the offensive aftertaste with mouthwash.

She stared at her contemptible reflection a full two minutes before leaving the bathroom in search of aspirin to ease the raging hangover.

She had found Ray's liquor easily enough to drown her sorrows so why the hell was finding the damn aspirin proving so difficult?

She paused her search to make herself an industrial strength coffee, then preceded, foul tasting beverage in hand to the only place she hadn't yet checked, Ray's bedroom.

She opened the door hesitantly; it seemed such an intrusion to be there when he wasn't.

The subtle presence of him soothingly everywhere within the typically masculine yet uniquely Ray room.

She focused on the objective of finding painkillers rather than the thought of her currently absent ex-roommate.

Finding nothing on the dresser she chanced a look in the top drawer vowing to give up if they weren't there.

Pushing aside various bits and pieces (the thick leather cuff, studded belt and other things) she managed to find a small tub of aspirin in one corner next to a strip of condoms.

She tried to ignore the sudden jealous flare that rose in her at the question of how many he had got through in her absence, thinking of him lying on the bed she was sitting on with some other woman wrapped around him.

She found herself briefly contemplating how she would have to sit by and endure the ache of seeing him with other women if they did ever manage to repair their tattered friendship.

Sure they would be brief and many, but there would always be that jealous little voice in the back of her skull wishing it was her.

Chucking back two aspirin with the strong black sludge she grimaced at the bitter taste on the back of her tongue.

She'd found she what had needed and knew she should be leaving now.

Hell she should have left last night but she had been a mess and the prospect of getting all the way across town to get wasted seemed pointless when Ray had a perfectly good half bottle of Jim Beam sat there.

'Had' she reminded herself, she must replace it.

She lay back on the bed savouring the silence of the empty apartment. Her quality of sleep on the couch had been somewhere between poor and non-existent and here was as good a place as any to remedy that.

She had four hours and forty-seven minutes before her next shift at county. She had the brief notion of calling in sick, but instantly dismissed it, she was already considered a lot of things by the rumour mill she didn't want to add "slacker" to the ever-growing labels they gave her.

Instead she set Ray's alarm clock for three hours from now and sank back into the soft pillow that smelt vaguely of him.


	15. Running Out Of Days

**Disclaimer: Ain't mine, never was.**

Ray's week had continued the way it had started, he had gone to a couple of the bands gigs and spent the majority of his time propped up against the bar trying to look like he was enjoying himself. Trying to dismiss the annoying little noise in the back of his head nagging that he had come here to think and not drink.

He had booked his return flight for two days from now with absolutely no clue as to what he was going to do.

Despite Brett's not to subtle hints that Ray's replacement wasn't ideal the band played well and were very popular in the bars and clubs that they played in, To the point that even Ray's meagre acquaintance with the band had earned him several less than subtle invites from girls that he would have once enthusiastically excepted.

Instead he would always smile and decline instantly aware that they were nothing compared to the woman that had insinuated herself into his soul.

It wasn't until he had gone back stage to congratulate the band on another great set when he witnessed what Brett meant about the new guy.

He heard it all before he saw anything, loud anger voices carrying along the dingy hallway in the back.

"I get it so it's my damn fault we're still gigging and not in a recording studio somewhere" The unfamiliar voice yelled enraged.

"That not what I said, I just said that they were interested in us in Chicago" Brett argued back, there was the sound of something being knocked over and Ray reconsidered entering choosing instead to linger and wait for some calm.

"Ahh now I get it that's why your buddy Ray is here isn't it, he's my replacement" The voice was lower now, cold and enraged.

"Ray's just visiting" He heard one of the others say in defence.

"Yeah sure he is, screw this I'm outta here" and before Ray had a chance to move the door had slammed open and Ray was caught eavesdropping.

Dark eyes eyed him suspiciously before offering "you're welcome to them" and storming past.

Ray stood open mouthed unsure of what to say, He just stepped past and into the tiny little room that the band had claimed as theirs.

"Wow" He said to Brett as he passed and perched on the corner of a ratty looking couch.

"Damn it" Brett cursed hitting his fist against the wall.

Their planned partying soon dwindled into sorrowful reminiscing about the good old days in Chicago and then Ray made a decision he knew was the easy way out, the cowardly answer to his problems.

"Hey man I need a fresh start, maybe I could stay and fill in for a while?" He suggested to Brett casually hoping that his desperation to get away from his pain in Chicago was not too obvious.

"I'd like that…" Brett began and Ray could see a but in there somewhere. "…But look at you man, you've been here all week and you haven't really been here" He looked at Ray pityingly.

Ray was about to ask him what the hell he was talking about when Brett elaborated. "You need to tell Neela how you feel man, everybody knows you've got it bad, if you run away from your problems they aren't gonna just disappear"

"What the hell.." was as far as his denial got before Brett's disapproving look silenced him.

"You can to lie to us as much as you want but you can't lie to yourself" When the hell did Brett turn into Lockhart, with the knowing advice and all.

"It's complicated, she wouldn't understand and besides she doesn't feel the same way" He sighed downing the remnants of his beer.

"How do you know that if you've never actually told her," He chastised handing him another beer from the pack at his feet.

"I can't, what if she tells me to get lost I couldn't handle that. I'm just her friend' He struggled to keep the dejection from his voice. He didn't want to seem weak in front of the other man.

"So you'll happily run out on her but haven't got the balls to tell her why, if you're gonna go anyway you may as well just do it, She might surprise you" Brett reasoned easily.

He was right and Ray hated him for it, if he was going to leave Chicago anyway he had nothing to lose from telling Neela everything, nothing except the last of his pride.


	16. Hour Follows Hour

**Disclaimer: ummm, I wonder.**

**Author's note: Okay I'm sorry for the delay but my dog ate my homework, okay that's a lie but he did chew through my phone cable, bad mooch, no mooch.**

Tony blocked her escape route from the drug lock up, she stared him down in disbelief.

She hadn't spoken to him since Ray had left, she had figured he would have taken the hint and left her alone but it seemed subtly was wasted on Gates in his self-involved world.

"Mayday, if I didn't know better I'd swear you were avoiding me" He said completely ignorant to the poisonous look she was giving him. Was he really that dense?

"Really why would I do that? " she asked sarcastically rolling her eyes in disbelief, apparently he was that dense.

"This is about that loser Barnett isn't it, I know he used to be your FRIEND but that guy is a jerk. He deserved to be suspended, hell he's lucky I didn't press charges," He stated condescendingly. She hadn't missed the inflection in his voice when he had said friend either. She felt her temper flare.

"You complete wanker " She poked him in the chest angrily with her finger.

"To think I used to defend you when everyone else said what a prick you were, I told them to give you a chance but you really are a prick" Despite her small stature he backed up slightly.

"A thick as pig shit, arrogant prick" she added an additional prod for each word.

His face grew contorted with anger and with a flash he grabbed her arm tightly.

"I suppose lover boy came running telling you how I said this or said that" He spat furiously.

"Let go" She tried to sound strong, tried to hide the fear she felt as he fingers dug into the soft skin on her arm.

She felt her pulse thunder in her chest as adrenaline pounded into her blood stream telling her to fight or run.

He stepped forward forcing her backwards with his large rough hand wrapped around her bare forearm.

"You're a goddamn tease, and one day someone's going to make you sorry" His face was only a few centimetres from hers, his breath warm on her face, she coiled back in fear_. It had sounded like a threat. Surely he wouldn't hit her._

She flinched involuntarily when he moved forward again.

"You're not worth it," He snapped.

She let out a long held breath as he dropped her arm and stormed off without another word. Her adrenaline slipped away leaving a cold nausea to settle in her stomach.

She had called on Abby and Joe after work, she felt the need for a friendly face, her day never improving much since her Encounter with the ugly face of Tony's anger. She didn't mention it to Abby, Neela knowing the other woman would immediately want to confront Gates and tear him a new one.

Instead she tried to keep it light and carefree, Abby had been off for the day and looked thoroughly content with the calm day she had spent with her beautiful baby boy.

Neela hadn't ever really been a baby person, probably due to her over eager traditionalist parents who had wanted her to settle down and start a family like a good little Indian girl.

She held the now sleepy baby, who was so small and amazing and felt a silly girly flash of maternal yearning rush over her, damn it. So unlike strong collected Neela, her mother would have a field day if she could see her cooing over the tiny bundle in her arms.

"Has Ray called yet?" Her friend asked drawing her rapt attention.

"No" She knew the disappointment rang out in her tone but she was past caring, there was little point trying to hide her frustration from Abby anyway.

"It's been over a week now" Abby stated matter-of-factly as if Neela didn't already know that, as if she hadn't arrived home everyday after work to move instantly to the machine and check her messages in some vain hope that he had called.

Neela just looked at the other woman tiredly. She had missed him; it was so strange .she hadn't talked to him for so long but he had always been there, now he was completely gone and she felt lost with out him.

"Don't worry he'll be back soon, he's got to see Luka on Thursday" Abby reassured getting up to fix coffee. It wasn't much of a reassurance, as selfish as it sounded she wanted Ray to come back for her, not Luka.

"So anything much happen at work today?" She called as she poured steaming water into the cups in front of her.

"Not much it was pretty quiet really" She lied badly, why did she find it so difficult to lie to Abby?

"Really" Abby placed the steaming cups on the coffee table and took her baby son. "I'll put him down for a nap," She said stroking a soft dark curl of hair over his tiny head. She looked so natural with the infant, it made Neela smile; her friend had been so fearful that she wouldn't be a good mother. Neela herself had never doubted the woman for a second. Her strong caring nature and no nonsense attitude making her ideal mother material.

"Why don't you call Brett?" Abby asked suddenly appearing again beside the couch, Neela having been too immersed in her thoughts to notice her approach.

"Huh, what?" She stuttered ripped from her daydreaming by Abby's heard but unprocessed question.

"Call Brett, ask to talk to Ray" Abby suggested in that way that said 'you know I'm right'.

"I don't have his number" Flat and cold her tone letting Abby know she wanted to drop the subject.

"Neela it's clear that you are worried about him, just call, and tell him. It might make a difference" She placed a supportive hand on her shoulder.

"It might not" Neela added unable to hide the fear and uncertainty in her statement.

"It might not," Abby agreed with a shrug.


	17. Trouble Sleeping

**Disclaimer:** **I own jack**.

**Author's note: thanks for all the reviews sorry if I have been a bit slow acknowledging/replying to them, not getting any alerts at the mo can't work it out. If anyone knows why please let me know.**

Ray had gotten an overnight flight, promising himself he would sleep on the plane.

He hadn't slept on the plane. He was shattered, dog-tired.

No matter how much he tried to not think about her, his head was full of Neela, of what he would say, how he would tell her.

He still had no idea and a thumping headache.

Why was it that when you lay in bed telling your mind to be quiet and let you sleep, it refused point blank to co-operate?

He got back out of bed, it was only four thirty and far too early to call Neela although every cell in his exhausted body wanted to just hear her voice.

How was he going to tell her all the things that were keeping him awake at night, the words he concocted in his weary mind were to inconsequential to explain the way he'd been feeling for so long now.

He didn't have the words to articulate what she meant to him, the void he felt without her. Everything he could think of sounded trite and contrived, too little too late.

I love you, Neela that was really all it amounted too, but whenever he thought of how it would sound leaving his lips he shuddered. She'd laugh, she'd think it was some sort of joke and laugh her ass off at him and he was pretty sure that would break him.

He should just slink off in the night, she'd never love him, sure there was always chemistry, but Neela was too smart for chemistry. She wanted so much more than he could offer, she deserved so much more than him. She deserved better.

He could tell her that, at least she might agree with that, he smiled absently to his self. No she wouldn't she'd smile sweetly; she'd tell him he was a good guy.

He started cleaning and somehow that soon turned into packing, he was a coward.

He'd tell her he was leaving, he would. She'd smile and say good luck and keep in touch.

He wouldn't, he couldn't bear that phoning to say hi, asking how things were going, listening as she told him about her fantastic life without him, the new man in her life.

**Short and sweet I'm afraid, really would like one of those "stories that write themselves" but I am not that blessed.**


	18. You Oughta Know

**Disclaimer: Have a guess.**

**Author's note: Thanks for the reviews, I am very happy to see that moonlight enchantments is back, missed you chick  and thank you to everyone else too. I am getting alerts again now as well so all is good and right in the world of ff again.**

Neela had spent most of last night hoping Ray would call and when he didn't she decided she'd had enough, she would take Abby's advice and call him in LA. She had the day off today so she would find Brett's number then call at a decent hour, plus she had to think about what she would say.

Knowing you had to do it was one thing doing it was something else entirely.

It was only twenty past seven here in Chicago that made it…what two hours behind… twenty past five in Los Angeles, hey if she called now she might catching him on his way to bed.

It was a bleak thought that raced across her brain, He'd be hopelessly drunk after partying all night and probably not alone, best just retrieve the number from Ray's apartment and call later. Much later.

The key she had never given back turned easily in the lock and she instantly knew something was different.

He was back; She took in the stacks of cardboard boxes, defeat and anger hitting her in equal measure.

He'd come from his room at the sound of the door opening.

"Neela wh…" He stopped cold at the look of fury and disappointment on her face; he looked just like a child caught doing something wrong. He knew he was caught, knew he was wrong.

"Off somewhere are we?" She asked sarcastically trying to mask her own pain; he hadn't even called her to tell her.

"Were you gonna even call?" She added dully, did she really matter that little to him.

Okay so she'd been a bitch but was he going to let her find out on the county grapevine that he was going that was just cold.

"Neela I was going to call later" He looked sheepish.

"Before or after you'd RUN AWAY" She was almost shouting, her anger brimming over, he didn't even think enough of her to tell her he was going, there was a time when she knew him better than anyone. She at least deserved the courtesy of a goodbye.

"I'm sorry…" He didn't sound it, he matched her anger easily. "…I didn't realise you held the monopoly on running away…" His anger moved him closer, his words aimed at hurting her.

Something snapped, how dare he turn this on her? Judge her. Damn him. Even if he was right, he had no right.

Her fury moved her before her brain caught up, her hand stinging from the impact it made with his cheek before she told herself not to slap him.

His face was a mask; she had never seen him so…so angry, so furious. The words didn't really fit his expression, his eyes boring into hers, but she wasn't scared of him.

He made no move to acknowledge the slap other than pinning her wrist to the door to prevent a further attack.

_When had she ended up with her back to the door?_

"You still don't understand do you?" His words were a frustrated whisper, his breath warm on her skin. She found herself surprised at his closeness.

She looked into his face, up past pale full lips to fall into intense green eyes.

She wanted to tell him he was the best friend she'd ever had and that she didn't want to lose him, even know so close to losing him she couldn't just tell him the truth for fear of rejection.

"I love you, Ray" the words left her lips so easily as she stared into his eyes trying to gage his reaction.

He looked confused, his tense stance altering slightly.

"What? " it was a disbelieving whisper, confused and overwhelmed he looked at where he still held her wrist and let her arm drop.

"How…Why?" He stammered uneasily.

Great if he wasn't already going to run away he would now, guy's like Ray didn't do love, she could have just told him he was her best friend or even that she wanted him, but Love, why had she said love?

_Because it's true, you do love him._

**Okay I know another short one but I've being doing a chapter from Ray's pov and then a chapter from Neela's so I wanted his side of this bit as well, without going too far into it.**

**If it gets too short I might start going from one to the other in the same chapter.**


	19. Confession

**Disclaimer: Thought I'd bought it on EBay, but it never arrived. Man is that guy getting bad feedback.**

He'd heard the door open from his room flew out of his room to investigate.

His panic at possible intruders was quickly replaced by panic because of the person in front of him.

"Neela wh…" He stumbled out her name stopped by the disappointment on her face; he looked at the floor shame filling him. She deserved better he should have talked to her first.

"Off somewhere are we?" Her sarcasm bit out at him harshly. He knew it was her way of masking the hurt he had thoughtlessly delivered but he still felt annoyance at her, She suddenly cared what he did after not giving a damn, so he had explain himself?

"Were you gonna even call?" She added hurt and disappointment pushing his gaze back to the floor.

"Neela, I was going to call later" He hadn't wanted this, didn't want to see her hurting.

"Before or after you'd RUN AWAY" She shouted her hurt disappearing beneath a shield of venom. She had a nerve accusing him of running away, that was her forte.

"I'm sorry…" He bit back coldly "…I didn't realise you held the monopoly on running away…" He was closer to her now. Could see the repressed rage brimming over in her tense stance and the angry glare she shot him. Maybe this would be easier than telling her the truth, make her hate you, she won't want to be friends, you won't have to be happy when she gets on with her life.

She slapped him hard and he knew from the burning of his face that there would be a perfect Neela sized handprint on his cheek. He grabbed her hand pinning her to the door behind. She was so close he could feel the heat radiate from her, her fury so blatant in the rich eyes that he couldn't tear his gaze from.

He wanted to kiss her more then than ever before wanted to crush his lips to hers and show her how wrong she was about him.

She didn't get it, still after everything.

"You still don't understand do you?" He asked frustrated that the Neela that knew him better than he knew himself didn't know what he felt for her. Didn't understand that he had never felt like this about anyone.

That he never wanted to feel like this now

She met his gaze wearily.

"I love you, Ray" She said brown eyes staring at him expectantly.

"What? " She couldn't love him; he dropped the hand he had forgotten he was holding. This was what he wanted so why was he so unsure of her words now.

"How…Why?" He tried to spit out the heavy words, how had she come to love him, Ray Barnett, she was too smart to be fooled by his cocky little boy act. Too sensible to love him.

Why the hell would beautiful, Sexy, smart Neela love a loser like him.

"But you left, you wouldn't talk to me?" He was suddenly so uncertain was now when she said 'oh no Ray I mean as a friend I love you as a friend'. Was she just trying to make him stay by offering what she knew he wanted so desperately?

"I was scared…I was married, I didn't want to betray Michael" She said it. She had wanted him.

He thought she had left because his feelings for her had become transparent not because she had wanted him as much as he had wanted her.

Everything suddenly made so much sense.

He was stunned; he'd been so stupid so blind.

He knew her, knew that she protected herself by creating distance but he had never once considered that she was protecting herself from her own feelings.

He stared down at her in amazement, this incredible woman thought he was worth loving and the uncertainty and fear in her eyes told him she didn't know that he felt the same about her, how could she doubt it?

He kissed her tenderly willing it to convey everything he felt. Unsure that it was sufficient, he broke away again and cleared up any doubt.

"I think I been in love with since the moment you moved in" He confessed.

She crushed her lips to his in a passionate plea that told him she wanted him with the same fire that consumed him.


	20. Touch Me

**Disclaimer: Yada, yada, yada.**

**Author's note: Okay so alerts not working again kinda sucky. Thanks to everyone that has reviewed the last two chapters. Thank you moonlitclarity you totally rule.**

**I've decide to go from Neela to Ray's POV in one chapter here to (hopefully) help it flow better than two separate ones.**

**Warning: This chapter may need a higher rating due to sexual nature, nothing too explicit but please don't flame me if it offends. I have warned you.**

Ray was kissing her or she was kissing Ray it didn't matter, all that mattered was the fire it ignited in her. The need hammering through her veins; the unadulterated lust she felt as she found herself pinned against the door with Ray pressed flush against her and all she could think was that he wasn't close enough.

If she was being truthful with herself she knew that she had longed for this since the instant she had first thought of him this way.

His hands on her body, slipping under her shirt, making her burn for him in a way she had never experienced before

She had wanted him long before she had realized she was in love with him and in every one of those early fantasies she had been the girl screaming in ecstasy just the other side of the all too thin wall.

"You're so beautiful" She felt his words against her skin as he trailed kisses along her throat. His fingers working expertly to undo the buttons of her shirt, Slipping it from her shoulders and taking in the sight of her.

His wanton gaze over her body made her feel bold, confident with her newfound influence over him.

She slipped out of her trousers easily standing before him in only her underwear. She felt a rush of warm air escape him in a silent 'wow' and smiled delighted that she could elicit such a reaction from him.

"I thought about this so many times," He professed breathlessly, his hands tracing the contours of her body reverently.

She was about to confess her own desire when his lips met hers again with a force of passion so strong it made her head spin.

She clawed frantically at his shirt desperate to get it over his head, to feel the heat of his skin pressed against her own.

As soon as the shirt had gone she found his lips again, her hands running along his tight well toned torso to find his belt.

She needed him now, needed him out of those jeans before she lost what was left of her control, before she begged him to take her.

She was kissing him, She had told him she loved him and now he was pressed up against her as she unbuckled his belt.

Every part of his skin that touched hers felt like it was on fire and he longed for more, even the fantastically sexy pink lace underwear she wore was too much clothing.

He wanted too feel what her breasts felt like pressed against his naked chest wanted to feel the smooth length of her legs wrapped tightly around his waist and he fulfilled the fantasy he had of her every time it had been another girl in his bed. Another nameless faceless girl who had always been Neela in his thoughts, but now it was her and he didn't have to imagine it.

She took his boxers with his jeans leaving him naked and his ardent desire for her completely obvious if there had been any doubt.

He undid the clasp of her bra, her breasts naked only briefly before he covered them with gentle seeking kisses. Her skin was soft like silk and smelt of the subtle freshness of citrus. He worked his kisses down slowly relishing the hiss of excited breath that rushed from her full soft lips. He kissed her navel tenderly as he removed the delicate panties that were now the only thing between them.

He rose again slowly retracing the path of kisses passing over the curve of one firm breast then the other, his tongue eliciting a sharp intake of breath as it flicked over one hard puckered nipple then the other.

She pulled herself to him more tightly hips grinding need fully against his own forcing him to take his own sharp breath.

"God Neela what are trying to do to me?" No one had ever made him feel like this. He had never wanted anyone so completely or wanted them to want him back with the same unrestrained desire.

He felt her leg go round his back as if in answer and all pretence at self control left him, he grabbed her legs and lifted her off her feet slamming her hard against the wall.

**Okay there it is that's why you got a smut warning please let me know if you think I need a stronger rating. I left it as is for the moment because hey I'm a teenager and I didn't find it too explicit. That said I would happily raise the rating rather than offending anyone.**

 **RAVEN**


	21. Fumbling Towards Ecstasy

**Disclaimer: Not a chance.**

**Author's note: Whoa what a relief so glad you liked it. Thanks for all the fantastic reviews. Dshortklutz, moonlight enchantments, moonlitclarity, criss128, butterfly sweet, princess-dreamer and Gwenyth hunter you all rock.**

Everything she had ever fantasised about being with Ray was blown away by the reality of it. It was fast and wanton, both of their desperation needing to be sated and when she shuddered around him his name a worshipful plea from passion stung lips, she felt him follow her only moments later.

His hands tightening on her thighs, fingers digging into them in a pleasurable sting of possessiveness.

"I'm sorry" He smiled shyly and for a moment she was unsure of what he was thinking. His clear green eyes piercing hers, all his weariness gone replaced by what looked like gratitude.

She was about to tell him there was nothing to be sorry about, that she was more than satisfied when he suddenly gathered her up and carried towards his bedroom.

"I wanted the first time we did this to be special, I just couldn't wait any longer." He blushed, Ray Barnett actually blushed and he looked so adorable that she had to kiss him.

"Does that mean there's going to be a second time?" She asked cheekily but deep inside despite his confession of love and the fact she knew he meant it, she still felt the same insecurities she had always had.

"Well I haven't got anywhere to be for a while and we have a lot of lost time to make up for" He grinned laying her down on his bed covering her instantly with his comforting weight and passion warmed skin. He kissed her deeply, this time his pace more gentle but no less needful.

"I want to make love to you all day " He admitted easily between tender kisses that made her senses swim.

"Hmm I don't know I kinda had plans" She chuckled cheekily.

"Oh really" He laughed pinning her to the mattress with her hands restrained over her head.

"That's to bad, cos there's no way I'm letting you go now" He captured her lips again and she couldn't help the contented mummer that slipped from her.

-

His first time with Neela was fast and hard, each needing the other so much that all control left them. His name spilled from her lips as she tightened around him and it was all it took to push him tumbling over the edge.

It took all of his effort to remain standing, desperately clutching her thighs to steady his legs, every girl that had worn Neela's face as he desperately willed them to be her forgotten as the real thing transcended his every desire.

"I'm sorry" He smiled apologetically. His eyes meeting her slightly glazed brown ones. She looked slightly confused.

He gathered her up as if it would explain what he meant. He had wanted their first time together to be special to let her know she meant more to him than anyone else had ever meant and he had ruined it with lust filled need.

"I wanted the first time we did this to be special, I just couldn't wait any longer." He explained uncomfortably, she kissed him tenderly.

"Does that mean there's going to be a second time?" She asked smirking up at him cheekily, God the things just a look from her did to his insides. There would definitely be a second time if the blood localising itself to certain regions had anything to say about it.

"Well I haven't got anywhere to be for a while and we have a lot of lost time to make up for" He teased laying her down on his bed moving over her quickly, every moment he wasn't touching her was an eternity. He crushed her lips to his own trying to express how much he needed her.

"I want to make love to you all day " He confessed just in case the kisses hadn't told her what he wanted. He kissed her tenderly, small gentle butterfly kisses that let him feel the warm perfection of her lips and skin.

"Hmm I don't know I kinda had plans" She chuckled happily, The Neela he knew so well back and smiling up at him.

"Oh really" He laughed pinning her hands over her head, delighting in the feel of her beneath him.

"That's to bad, cos there's no way I'm letting you go now" He meant it, she was his now and he wouldn't let her slip from his grasp again. He met her lips again and melted when she murmured content underneath him.

His second time with her was everything it should have been the first time, slow and tender. Making love to her, making her body scream for his in mutual need. He made everything about her, wanting her to understand his emotions from the tenderness of his touch.


	22. Home

**Disclaimer: If only**

**Author's note: okay here comes the fluff, I'm feeling very mellow so thought I'd go with something sweet that would make me all warm inside (so unlike me).**

**---------**

She woke in Ray's arms and knew that's how she wanted to awaken every morning. Wrapped in strong, loving arms that held her close. She tried to slip out from under him without waking him and failed miserably.

"Hmmm, stay" He whimpered his grasp around her tightening.

"I need a shower" She chuckled and moved his arm again.

"Sounds good," He grinned at her one eye opening to regard her mischievously.

"Well we've gotta get out of bed at some point" she chuckled back winking down at him and dashing off towards the bathroom screaming girlishly as he made a grab for her then chased her.

She couldn't remember the last time she felt this happy or alive.

--------

After they were showered and suffered the naked wet run back to the bedroom (neither having remembered to bring towels) they decided that food was a good idea.

Ray's refrigerator was even more pathetic than usual containing only a jar of questionable mustard and two cans of soda.

She felt awkward in the silence of the corner booth they had occupied in a diner down the block.

She longed to ask him what he was thinking, if he was nervous about going to see Luka tomorrow and most importantly if he was still going to leave Chicago, to leave her.

When they had left the apartment she had seen the stacks of boxes and they had been a stark reminder that he was about to leave when she had walked in this morning she found herself knocked back down to earth with the same disheartening insecurities she always had.

Okay so he had told her he loved her and she believed him, but he hadn't said he was staying now.

"You okay?" he asked concern creasing his brow.

She smiled then, Ray knew her, could see her unease without effort and it made her feel important to him.

"Yeah, just thinking" She sighed leaning back into her chair meeting his clear green eyes, it didn't seem right to reel out spools of questions when they had only just resolved so many problems.

"Brett offered me my place back in the band…" He looked at her gauging her reaction, she didn't want to hold him back but was sure he must see the disappointment in her eyes. She didn't want him to go, she couldn't bear losing him now after finally letting him now how much she loved him.

"Oh" What else could she say he knew how she felt about him, knew how difficult it had been for her to finally say the words.

"I was going to call you and tell you, I didn't think…" Hesitation, maybe even fear tingeing his voice.

"I didn't think that you could ever feel the same way about me that I feel about you" He spoke quietly now as if saying the words out loud would tempt fate. He looked at her square in the eye and she realised she was holding her breath.

"I know it's early but would you think about coming home" Of all the things she had expected him to say that was one she wasn't expecting. He'd called it home, not the apartment or my apartment but home and she couldn't think of anything better than going home.

"I'd love to" She smiled ecstatically.

She was going home.


	23. Lucky

**Disclaimer: I own jack.**

------

Ray couldn't help the smile that crept onto his face as he stepped into admit. It didn't matter what happened today he had spent all of yesterday with Neela, most of it in bed. Even if he got sacked today it wouldn't darken his mood, he could always find another job, he'd never find another Neela.

Abby looked up at him and smiled knowingly; Neela had been in early this morning.

"Hey lover boy, good to have you back" She laughed obviously Neela had told her plenty about yesterday.

He felt his face get warm.

"Oh my god. Ray are you blushing?" Abby mocked loudly causing more than a few heads to turn.

"Shut up Lockhart," he mumbled half-heartedly.

"Be nice I put a good word in for you with the boss" she laughed nodding towards Luka, who had just finished with a patient and was strolling purposefully towards them.

She winked at him, Although Ray knew Luka wouldn't want to fire him he also knew that the Croatian doctor was a consummate professional and couldn't do Ray any favours. Ray had attacked a colleague and even if it was that jerk Gates it was still wrong.

"Ready Ray?" Luka asked as soon as he was within range.

"Yeah sure" He looked around for Neela he really could do with a reassuring smile.

They were about to enter an empty room when He heard her familiar voice. "Ray" She called jogging up to where he stood.

She kissed him softly.

"Good luck" She smiled nervously up at him and he knew he couldn't get any lucky even if he was looking for another job tomorrow he was the luckiest guy he knew.

"Thanks" He smiled happily and kissed her on the nose reassuringly. Luka looked back at him with a slightly amused look on his face as he gestured for Ray to follow.

He caught a glimpse of Gates sneering at him from the other side of the ER and hoped that he had seen the whole thing.

Inside the empty exam room Luka pulled up a chair and gestured for Ray to do the same.

"Ray, you are a good doctor and I have seen you go from strength to strength, but this is a hospital. You have to be a professional" Ray met Luka's disappointed gaze and felt his stomach knot. He loved being a doctor and he loved County he didn't want to have to leave.

"I've discussed this with Kerry and she is in agreement…" Damn he was screwed there was no way Weaver would let him stay after punching Gates. "…This will be formally recorded on your record and if it ever happens again we will have no choice but to terminate your employment at County" It took a moment for the words to register; he wasn't getting sacked, he grabbed Luka's hand and shook it gratefully.

"Thank you Luka, it won't happen again I swear" He felt relief flood over him, he could stay at County.

He got up quickly needing to share his good news with Neela.

"Ray" Luka stopped him just as he got to the door.

"Don't let Gates get to you, he really isn't worth it" Luka advised him knowingly, no one had ever gotten under Ray's skin enough for him to want to hit them before and now that Neela had chosen him, he knew that Gates couldn't do it again.

-----

Neela was waiting anxiously outside for him and he went straight to her telling her the good news, earning himself a hug.

"Ray when your done celebrating you can get your lab coat on, we got a trauma coming, three minutes out" Abby called with mock disapproval.

He chuckled and pouted down at Neela. "I'll catch up with you later" he promised going to the locker room.

The ER was busy all shift and Ray relished the rush of doing the job he loved.

He'd even found himself paired with Gates on more than one occasion without incident. In fact Ray had found it easy to not care Gates no longer irritated him like before.

He even managed to suppress his grin when a huge drunk guy emptied the contents of his stomach all over Gates. He would however have to tell Neela all about it when he got home.


	24. Cold pizza

----

**Disclaimer: Come on people you're smart you know this.**

**Author's note: You may or may not have noticed that my interest in this piece is waning and I am finding myself at a loss as to where to go with this. **

**It is to date my longest fic and is proving a little bit more difficult than anticipated. It also doesn't help that I haven't seen any of season 13 yet either, leaving me a little adrift.**

**Due to this I am going to try and wrap it up with this chapter, Soz.**

-----------------------

She heard Ray's key go in the lock and rushed to the kitchen to retrieve the food she'd been keeping warm in the oven.

"Hi honey I'm home" He called out happily as he closed the door. She stuck her head round the corner to greet him.

"Hey roomie, how was your day?" she enquired taking in his questioning gaze to the elegant dinner table that she had made up and the way his eyes nearly popped out his head in response to the slinky little black dress she wore.

_Okay the dress was a good buy._

"I thought you deserved to be pampered" She smiled kissing him tenderly and handing him a glass of red. "Is that okay?"

She adding not wanting to be pushy sometimes all you wanted to do when you got off shift was to veg in front of the TV.

"That depends...'He raised an eyebrow "…Did you cook?" He laughed making her nearly choke on her own drink. They both knew her cooking was at best a disaster.

"Hey" She tried her best to look hurt as she punched him in the arm, then couldn't help the chuckle that left her as she flashed the pizza box she had just retrieved at him.

She dropped it back on the counter and removed a slice dumping it unceremoniously on a plate and handed it to him.

"I did tell you I love you today, didn't I?" He added placing his plate on the table and scooping her into his arms. His body pressed tightly against her own leaving her staring up at him.

"Never hurts to say it twice" she reasoned meeting him in a long breathtaking kiss.

"I love you," He mumbled into her hair and all thoughts of food left her, all she could think of was the way his body felt against hers and the breathy kisses he was now trailing down the side of her neck.

His hands felt glorious on her skin and she couldn't help but lean into his tender touch.

"I love you too," She conceded leading him to their bedroom, dinner could wait; It wouldn't be the first time she'd eaten cold pizza.

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**Okay I am really sorry and I know it is short but I thought it better to just wrap it up now rather than drag it out and really ruin it.**


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